Never in my life have I persistently wished

for something so impossible -

to wake up and have you be here

and able to erase all these problems

and ease all this horrendous pain;

just wipe out the whole ordeal altogether

and I'd be 5 thousand times more grateful for the way things are.

suppose i should just settle for the mundane and somewhat comfortable.

Repeating Dream

I dreamt that I went in a room to check in
on my dad and he was awake and I ran in
crying and told him that he was in a coma for
2 months and he was very upset about it
and I kind of didn't want anyone else
from the family to come in and see him
until I told him what I wanted to tell him.

Then we sat on a porch and I was in disbelief
and just so happy that he was awake again.

I've come to realize over time that there are just some people

who aren't into supporting their friends or apologizing.

Whatever you're into, man.

The schedule that I'd like to have next semester
has 20 credits and would be the first time I
overload. Which makes me nervous,
and I don't need to overload necessarily
but these classes seem really interesting
and I can get requirements done because I can
actually fit all the classes I want.
If i do this it'd be 27 hours of class a week
and then probably 8 hours of work.
My classes would be:

Special Topics in Drawing - 6 hours
Advanced Painting - 6 hours
Development of the US II - 3 hours split in 2 classes
Writing Art Criticism - 4 hours
Junior Studio - 6 hours

I desperately need a higher paying job though.
But I also don't want to leave this job because I like it
and hope that it'll help me get hired at Purchase after graduation.

I'm thinking about Animal Collective

and how shocked I am that they exist the way

they do, that they have cranked out so many records

since 2000 and they just keep getting more and more

new and unlike anything that has been produced before

them, and as a painter, I wonder how anyone can

come up with something so fresh that doesn't

seem to draw on almost any previously made art.

I just don't understand how they've come up

with the loops that they've come up with,

and the style of their vocals,

it's on a level that I can't even get my brain around.

I also think of the things that I feel are missing from my life,

and touring with a band, meeting other music makers,

and seeing tons of places around the country,

is what I need. I need that, it would make me so happy,

and being at Purchase would be the best place to start

touring and gaining a following.. but I can't write good music.

So painful.

If any two people exist and are aware of one another's presence
there will be tension between them.

"The visible world, I think, is abstract and mysterious enough, I don't think one needs to depart from it in order to make art."

-Philip Guston