I wanted to text my dad today really badly.

I love school though. I love painting.

I haven't gotten to any big jump in my painting that's been significant since last spring,

but I am continuing on what I jumped to then.

And I've gotten something, people say that some other painters

want to copy my style. That feels good.

The nursing home still hasn't paid me $400 for working in August.

I really need that now when I am paying rent by myself.

Luckily I got a grant because my dad died and he was paying for my house

though I'd much rather that not be the case,

I'll get that tomorrow; it came just a day after I had to pay rent for next month.

Don't know what's going to happen in the future in many ways.

I guess that's how it always is though?

Amongst all the insanity, I still manage to think about how

no one has visited me at Purchase in the 2 years I've been here

and how I travel hours to see people I only kind of know.

With my mom's stories of what her and my dad did when they were my age

I think that people just don't know how to have fun anymore,

or are too lazy, or don't want to spend money,

I don't know... but they definitely don't do what they used to.

2 Weeks and a Day

Yesterday in class I almost lost it because I realized it had been exactly 2 weeks since I'd last been hugged by my dad and heard him speak.

Last night I dreamt that I called my dad's cell phone and he picked up

and I said why are you answering the phone?

and he said I woke up on Wednesday (from the stroke)

it was Friday in the dream

so I went to his house and I hugged him

and I said why didn't you call me and tell me you woke up 2 days ago?!

I thought that they didn't care enough to let me know

and then I said

we should have put the respirator in

then he never would have died in the first place

and we wouldn't have had to deal with it!!

That was the 3rd time I've dreamt that he "woke up"

from his stroke and was alive even though he had already died.

Still, it all feels like it was just a day dream.

I still don't understand that my dad is really just never coming back again.

September 11

I don't think I mentioned that yesterday was my mom's birthday. She told my dad that when she got to the hospital. She met him 31 years ago to the day, on her 17th birthday, and what she thought of him at the time was "what an ass"

Last night Dan slept over, it was the first night I really slept in a while, and I woke up in the night talking to him I said

"Can you hear me?"

"Yes"

"You can??"

"Of course"

So in my head I said 'but he was dead, how can he hear me? maybe he came back' and I scrambled to turn the light on then I realized it was Dan and I said I thought you were him. And I went back to sleep.

The only thing I can do to really reassure myself that he's gone is picture him how he was in that hospital bed when they said that was it.

September 10, my mom's birthday

I called my mom at 1:40 am.

At around then is when we knew there was nothing left.

They took him off his wires around 6:45 am and the color left his face.

Goodbye dad. I could swear you were going to make it and so did everyone else. You have a lot of fans. And I will think about you every day.

Dad

Sunday september 6.
I get a call that my dad is in the hospital because he may have had a mini-stroke.
He is apparently doing okay and I will come visit him in the morning.
Monday september 7.
I visit him; we talk, my stepsister and her husband come, we joke around with him.
He has a bad headache and his vision isn't right, his eyes won't focus on a point,
he sees only "th oo" when he looks at "4th floor"
I tell him how our propane at school ran out and it's gonna cost a ton.
He gets wheeled out to do tests, comes back, says it was a stupid test.
I brought him pistaccios and a car magazine.
I hug him, he says love you and i say love you too. I leave.
Time goes by at Dan's, i was planning on going to a bbq. Then I said,
I'm gonna call Dad and see how he is. I call, no answer, left a voicemail.
Call back, it's my stepmom's sister-in-law "Jen should I explain to you what's going on or do you want Karen to?" I say "uhh, is there any news?"
"Your dad went into a second stroke, they need to administer medication,
there's a possibility of a hemorrage"
He's trashing his leg, eyes closed, moaning. Holds your hand, squeezes it too hard.
No movement on his right side. Sometimes makes eye contact.
Gets very agitated, sometimes yells nothing.
Tuesday september 8.
11 am i come in with dan. He managed to open his eye to look at me then grasped for my arm.
more thrashing, pushing hands away, pulling at his pajama pants. sighing, grunting, one cough.
Snoring. Karen asked him to smile, and he gave this tiny smile on his left side, and moved his hand as to say "here you go"
Karen my stepmom has been with him since it happened. Me Ashley and Mike are there most times, with lots of visitors peaking in.
He still looks like my dad. I've never looked at my dad nor touched him so much in my life. I went home and had clams at my house, my mom hugs me a lot. She wants to see him but can't.
I bring a beanie babie back to him, Valentino, I think he got it for me. It was from 1994.
I put it in his hand and he'd grab it and move it and reach for it again. I told him what it was.
At 11pm we leave.
I hope he can hear me. I hope he knows who is there by him.
I hope someday I can explain to him how we were there all the time and I cried for days like every one else and I lost my appetite and how I can't see anything but him.