I'm afraid that I don't have it in me to be a professional painter.

Sometimes

I think about how little people have been there for me. The problem is I might just be forgetting about them, but I really don't think that I would forget. I really, don't think I would.

When my mom had cancer, and my boyfriend, the love of my life, was shipped off to live 2 hours away in a dangerous city, a place he hated, and I had to watch, every day after work in an office for 2 hours after highschool, my mom lose more and more weight, lay in bed for hours, puke, tell me about her laying strapped down motionless for hours at a time being exposed to radiation..

I only lost my friends as well. I can remember a few kind words from 1 or 2 friends, people who I don't talk to any longer. People only refrained from hanging out with me, didn't invite me on the whole group trip down the shore for a few days. I was very, very clearly suffering.

I can't remember anyone caring when my dad moved 2 hours away from me when I was.. I don't know.. 10. What's stranger? I don't remember for any second my dad telling me he was going to move, moving out of his apartment, moving into the new house. I only remember us getting stuck at an intersection in the moving truck before going under a bridge too low..

My mom might be losing her fiance, he said "goodbye" and took the engagement ring,

and I don't know what to do.

I never have known what to do.

I didn't tell my dad not to leave, not to marry this woman, to let me say goodbye to my stepbrothers instead of never seeing them or the house I lived in again.

I have no idea how I would live without Dan.

None of this really matters, actually.

I've got to make more paintings. I want to continue my car series, I'm just unsure how as of right now. Soon, I want to have a show at school titled "the car show" and I need more than 4 paintings for a show. The first of the series was really from the heart, and I didn't make an effort to find the visual, it came to me at a random time. Which is why it's so difficult to just make another painting.

I have finally become employed.
Am I glad? I guess so.
I had to get up at 7:15 today, and I went to sleep at 1. I woke up feeling like I just laid down to go to sleep.
I came to the nursing home in town and started my first shift, my 12 hour shift, as a receptionist.
At the rate I'm going, I'm just going to be an office worker for the rest of my life. I'm good at it by now, I've got 3 years in 3 different places, but I don't want to be good at it. It's entirely pointless.
Being in a nursing home is much different than any places I've spent much time in before. Patients hobble or wheel up to the glass that's to my left and stare, sometimes say hi, most times pull helplessly and furiously at the door that separates them from the lobby and thus, the rest of the world. You can't communicate with them - well, some you can. Some people, the nurses and most employees here, are fine with this kind of behavior. I wonder how people become that way - able to handle such things. I can't. My heart races. I don't know how to act, even though in reality, I know that they can't process things correctly and thus won't judge me anyway.
It's terrible to see these people so helpless though, helpless to themselves, not just to everybody else. What a depressing place.

One day, I will write a novel and it will be published.

Skeletonbreath.

I'm planning on seeing Skeletonbreath play in Brooklyn in late July/early August. I can't even go like a month without seeing them live. If I can get tickets, EVERYONE I know should come with me. Likely that nobody will, but they put on THE BEST live show in existence. I've seen a lot of bands live, a whole lot, and as far as local shows go, they are the Radiohead of shows. I can't say they are better than Radiohead live, that's an impossible comparison, way too many differences. I don't see how anybody who appreciates good music could not LOVE them live.

If you care to listen... this is my favorite song of theirs. I usually get killed when they play this at purchase.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpI9AE3IS0k

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Mother screamed something from down the hall,

It rounded the corner from her room to the hall but as it did it bounced and

became muffled

I'm half deaf as it is

"I don't want to see it!" I screeched back; it echoed so hard

from the kitchen tiles, marble countertops, sliding glass door

Closed because it's 20 degrees out

Damaged my ears a bit more

I stood dead, in the center, holding onto a wooden chair

the one I yelled about if anyone sat in as a kid

Looked to my right, out the door, at the dull bluish white

snow drizzling onto the wooden deck, only some parts still visible

And my legs jolted, my hands too

my neck stiffened my head back a bit

Who would mind if I...

the thought left, it didn't matter

I wouldn't have the patience anyway.

New painting

It's just impossible to make my paintings look good with the lighting

I have and this blog reducing the quality. And the colors I use.

My paintings can only look the way they're supposed to in person.

This is still wet, which is why there is a strong glare, and I couldn't move it to a better location.

I haven't thought of a name. Let me try in a few seconds:

"Main Street"

film still