In the past month, since the end of July, I have not

hung out with any one of my friends from home

for more than 3 days.

what has happened.

In 8 days, I will be transferring from new jersey,
where the lack of friendliness pounds on my head every day
To New York,
where the lack of friendliness tears at my chest every day.

Animal Collective round 2

I bought animal collective tickets about 5 months ago. the show was aug. 14th.

I was nervous about getting there too late and being in a huge line to get in, so we figured we'd get into brooklyn around 2, doors open at 5:30, show at 8.

if anything we'd wander brooklyn for a while.

we get there and there's about... 6 people in line. wowz.

I didn't know if we should try eating then or not. we waited, played cards on the pavement.

we get let inside and run to the barackade separating the crowd from the stage, I was leaning on it, only a little off to the left. I would be about 12 feet from panda bear.

i run out of the crowd to get a hot dog, eat half, give dan half.

then i get light headed and know what's coming - i run out of the crowd and puke in a garbage can

i get ice cold but am sweating profusely. I sit on the ground, i can't stand, i throw up next to me.

the EMT is called, he takes my blood pressure, they're all freaking out "go to a hospital"

so they wheel me out (unnecessarily) and everyone going into the show is staring.

I get into the ambulance, I feel fine, dan is calling my parents.

Go to pediatrics. It's 7:30, the show starts soon, but I know I lost my #1 place. It can't be the same.

I'm admitted out, we literally run back to Prospect Park following the noise, I still have my little EKG stickers on my wrist.

At first I couldn't hold back crying, while trying to appreciate the fact that I'm seeing them.

We go get food, I almost want to leave.

But they play fireworks, they play guys eyes, we make our way in the crowd at a decent spot.

They play brother sport.

I remember them playing this last year when nobody knew the song.

This time everyone was dancing so intensely, I was so happy I stayed.

They get off the stage and I want to cry having only heard 5 songs.

They come back, play lion in a coma, and end with Leaf House.

Leaf House has been one of my favorite songs since before Strawberry Jam,

and they end their set with it after 2 albums came out after it.

I am still not content after seeing them 1.5 times, I need to go again and not pass out.

I fall asleep to clicking and clanging and 5 feet of light

coming from the South

I fall into places I'll never be with people who's names

I only know, and a few strands of black hair

I fall awake to silence

the kind that feels like a ton of clouds resting on your head

I fall back down again so I can stay with them;

though they know nothing but my breath

I stand conscious in my kitchen

and the tea kettle is the only whistling sound

I stand it hardly, I stand it nervously

If I could sit for one second and feel that I'm sitting

I'd stand to go to work again and smile till it hurts

I'd stand to make a phone call or ten or two

I'd stand to go elsewhere.

There are 20 remaining days for me to live in this house and do the things I've been doing every day since May 15th.

I can't say I've been doing much since then.

It's been a pretty uneventful and unfriendly summer compared to previous ones.

I feel that so many people my age are being so much more adventurous,

touring with their band around the country,

spending a month or so in another state,

hanging out in the city,

being with friends every day.

Not me.

To go back to Purchase, in many ways, sounds good to me.

I want to be told to paint, I want to be around other artists 24/7,

and thousands of people. Not like here, where there's my mom,

and just a few friends.

But there's so much security in this house, I've been here since birth.

And Dan?

The last time I have spent more than 24 hours without seeing him was May 08 for 2 days.

We've spent every single day with each other for the past 2 years essentially.

This just isn't going to be okay for me.

Long Beach Island

I realize that as you get older it seems to become harder to appreciate and remember things, like vacations. As a kid, vacations were the best, and I still remember a lot from them. I remember camping in Otter Lake many times, Lake George, Ocean City, Maryland, Arizona lots of times, North Carolina with my mom's family, Sea Isle City with my stepbrothers, etc. And these were like the best times of my life. But as time goes on I kind of began forgetting about vacations and what they were even like.

For instance, it's hard for me to remember what long beach island was like the past 2 years that I've been, with Dan's family. Each time it was a week, in the same house on the beach, but I can't remember it much.

This year's vacation I hope I never forget. I'm going to guess that 40 people related to Dan were down there, all in houses within walking distance of each other. Each day I'd wake up, annoy Dan till he got up, make breakfast and have tea with his parents and brothers, then get ready and walk onto the beach. We'd swim in the ocean for a few hours, boogie board, get pummeled by waves. Have lunch. Swim more, read. Be around so many family members.

His family from Chicago came out for the first time, 4 of them were between the age of 15-19. His cousin from Cali came out who was my age. In total there were 2 15 year olds, 1 16, 2 17's, 4 19's, a 20 and a 21 year old. It was nuts, every night we all hung out and played games and ran around the beach like maniacs. It was much more fun than I've had in who knows how long.

We saw dolphins in the water one day, and Dan saw manta ray things swimming by us another. Dan and his brother rented surf boards and I watched them fall. 5 of us rented a 6 person bike one day and that was funny. I finally got to have steamers at pinkys, a seafood place down the street. The kids all went to seaside one night; that was interesting. This year, though, I know we spent less time with the whole family. We didn't have big whiffle ball games or Christmas in July. I wish we did.

When I came home and my house was quiet, not filled with the sound of crashing waves and breezes, it was just sad, empty. I want so terribly to live on that beach. It might be my favorite place.