Sometimes

I think about how little people have been there for me. The problem is I might just be forgetting about them, but I really don't think that I would forget. I really, don't think I would.

When my mom had cancer, and my boyfriend, the love of my life, was shipped off to live 2 hours away in a dangerous city, a place he hated, and I had to watch, every day after work in an office for 2 hours after highschool, my mom lose more and more weight, lay in bed for hours, puke, tell me about her laying strapped down motionless for hours at a time being exposed to radiation..

I only lost my friends as well. I can remember a few kind words from 1 or 2 friends, people who I don't talk to any longer. People only refrained from hanging out with me, didn't invite me on the whole group trip down the shore for a few days. I was very, very clearly suffering.

I can't remember anyone caring when my dad moved 2 hours away from me when I was.. I don't know.. 10. What's stranger? I don't remember for any second my dad telling me he was going to move, moving out of his apartment, moving into the new house. I only remember us getting stuck at an intersection in the moving truck before going under a bridge too low..

My mom might be losing her fiance, he said "goodbye" and took the engagement ring,

and I don't know what to do.

I never have known what to do.

I didn't tell my dad not to leave, not to marry this woman, to let me say goodbye to my stepbrothers instead of never seeing them or the house I lived in again.

I have no idea how I would live without Dan.

None of this really matters, actually.